I have so many questions today, but before I get to them I have to take a minute to tell you what I did this past week! I'm so excited because it was crafty and messy! Layla and I made these adorable little chicks in a nest, out of peeps and chocolate covered pretzels. But that's not all, we also made yummy cake pops (which I proceeded to eat way too many of) that looked like Easter eggs. They were dipped in white chocolate and then Layla painted them with different colors of chocolate. I was covered in chocolate, as was Layla, and just to show you how crazy it got, Cal was even covered with chocolate at one point (much to his delight)! The best part? It was fun and I didn't flip out over the mess! Score one for mom!
Okay, with that out of the way...How do you raise fearless children? Do you even want to? I have thought about these questions a lot lately as I watch my sweet Layla growing up. Right now she, like pretty much every two year old, is fearless. I mean the mom's-having-yet-another-heart-attack fearless. The you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me-get-down-from-there-this-instant fearless. To be honest, I love her even more for her reckless abandon.
My husband, Kelly, and I were talking about how we want to raise our kids. I am a majorly fearful person. I have so much anxiety over the simplest things. If there's something to worry about, rest assured I've got that covered. I wish it were different, but that's just me, that's always been me. I remember being scared to death in elementary school that my mom would forget me and I would be stuck at school forever (just so you know, I was never forgotten, that is so not my mom, but I worried nonetheless).
It seemed to me like my worry was always justified. For example, again in elementary school I was always too afraid to buy my lunch. I just had my mom pack me a lunch every day because I was unsure of how to buy school lunches. I will never forget that the one day I decided to buy my lunch was the day that the prices of lunches went up a dime. Our teacher explained that to us in the morning and told us it was okay if we didn't have enough money that day, but that we would need to bring the right amount from then on. I was so upset, I think I cried until lunch was over. Ridiculous, right?
As a mom these fears have grown. You know what I'm talking about. Will my children be good people? Will they contribute to society? What if I don't like who they marry? What if the who they marry doesn't like me? Will they get picked on in school? Will they get good grades? How will we afford college? How can I survive the two years my son will be gone on his mission? Will they know how much I love them? Will they know how much Heavenly Father loves them?
Oh, these fears are so much more real than buying a school lunch. The trick is to keep them from overtaking you. I know, I have those moments. Those moments when the fear is so real that it's right there in your throat, choking you. Those moments when I look into Layla's sweet eyes and know someday she will come to me with a broken heart, and I won't be able to fix it. The fear when I look at Cal and can see him in the future, asking girls on dates and driving.
But how do I keep my kids from having all the silly little fears that didn't seem so silly and little when I was a kid? I always thought that some fear was healthy, but then I had a really amazing conversation with Kelly, who wants our kids to be fearless. When he said this I have to admit, I lost it. I started shrieking at him about how fear can provide safety. He explained that he thinks knowledge can do the same thing, only more effectively than fear. It makes sense. He wants, and I ended up agreeing, our kids to know consequences and reality, but to not be afraid.
How do you feel about this? Do you think it is good to have a little bit of fear? Does it keep life balanced? If so, how do you keep it from getting out of control? What about being fearless? Do you think that is possible?
Oh yeah, those moments I mentioned? The ones where fear is strangling me? I have learned how to tell fear that my family rocks, and no matter what, we are all going to be just fine.
My oldest two have already started having fear and anxiety. I think they picked it up from me stressing all the time about them getting hurt or getting sick. I think if they were more fearless they would be happier. They go on vacation with my parents to the woods, I panicking part of the time they are gone (I'm not with them), but the kids enjoy themselves and are more relaxed while there. The knowledge is better than fear aspect makes sense. An example of how that is, my son learned or saw something about whirlpools and he started having nightmares about them. One night when he came into to our room after his nightmare I explained to him that we live far away from anywhere a whirlpool can happen. That has helped him. When the kids were younger we used fear to try and keep them from doing something we didn't want them to do, or when they asked why do you say No. That did more harm than good. Our youngest is fearless and is learning through experience more than I think the older two did. She's eaten hot food and when we tell her no it's hot she stops and will wait. Good luck raising fearless, but knowledgeable children.
ReplyDeleteI am a huge worry wort. Fear kept me from doing a lot of different things, but I really don't want ALL of my fears/anxiety/stress to rub off on Adam. I think that even if Kourtney and I were both completely fearless that Adam would have his own fears (at least while he is young). Most of our fears come from when we are little and are usually, but not always, irrational. I think that kids learn best by making mistakes, and sometimes getting hurt (just like we do). I have recently been trying to give Adam a little bit more freedom and let him explore things that he otherwise wouldn't have gotten a chance to.
ReplyDeleteyour posts are thought provoking and they strengthen me. thank you ashley! raising kids is NOT easy...but you make it better :)
ReplyDeleteI agree that you can totally pass on your own fears to your children. My sister has done it with dogs. Her kids, most of them, are really scared of dogs...because she is scared of dogs. I think you really have to be careful to let them try things and experiment and learn by themselves. Of course if it is dangerous that is a different story. I hope that I can raise fearless, yet smart, children too.
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