Last week I was with my husband, Kelly, and we stopped in to get his hair cut. While we were there Layla asked to get her hair cut. When Kelly was done the girl that did his hair took Layla back. I went back to help her get all situated in the chair. While I was helping her the guy behind us mentioned to his client what a cute kid Layla is. That totally set his client off on how she is so glad she's not a grandma. She said she discussed with her daughter all the reasons her daughter should wait to have kids, including the reason that kids ruin your life. It was so hard for me to not turn around and say, "You said what to your daughter?" Imagine your mother telling you that kids will ruin your life?
My kids have changed my life. Changed it in every way possible, big ways, small ways, monumental ways. Ways that I still can't even understand. But ruined? No way. Never. They have taught me so much already. In fact, in their short little lives they have already turned into my greatest teachers.
They have taught me a new language. For instance, when Cal starts screaming and the screams end higher than they started, it means he's hungry. When he laughs and gasps at the same time, it means he wants me to put my face close to his and let him give me a kiss on my cheek. When Layla tells me she wants a blue drink it means she wants Gatorade, unless we're at Target. A blue drink at Target means an icee, and it doesn't mean it has to be blue. She also likes red blue drinks. If she's eating a corn dog and she says she wants it cut ty ty, that means she wants me to cut it in half and then into pieces with a knife with a pink handle (yes, it has to be the pink handled knife).
They have taught me patience. By walking with Cal in the middle of the night when he refuses to sleep (mind you, this is usually around 1am, right after his night owl sis has gone to sleep) I learn patience. Patience that I never knew existed. When Layla is screaming for the zillionth time in one day, I learn patience. Not that I am perfectly patient every time, but I am learning, and thankfully my kids are forgiving.
I have also learned strength from my children. They have shown me that I possess so much more strength than I ever knew I had. The strength to stand up for them, and ensure that they have a voice. The strength to battle with doctors and nurses for Layla to make sure that her symptoms are understood and her doctors will respond appropriately. Strength to leave Layla in nursery and stand outside the door while I listen to her cry, when all I want to do is swoop in there and scoop her up (thankfully she loves nursery now and doesn't cry anymore). Strength to make good decisions that I know will benefit them, even if they are difficult now. Plus, they have taught me that I really do have the physical strength to walk through the parking lot holding 24 lbs Layla with one arm and 16 lbs Cal with the other, along with a diaper bag and groceries. :)
Mostly, they have taught me about love. Love that I never could have imagined. Love that brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. Love that means I don't cringe when Layla throws up on me because she doesn't know how to throw up in the toilet yet. Love that means I can get up and snuggle with Cal and enjoy time when it is just him and I when he wakes up early, even though I have only been asleep for about 2 hours. Love that teaches me about Heavenly Father, and how He loves not only me, but my children. How He loves us all, with a love even stronger than how we love our kids. This love that He has for me, for us all, is a hard concept to grasp, but loving my kids has made it a little more understandable.
I am so grateful for them, and all that they teach me. I hope that somewhere in there, I am teaching them too. So do kids ruin your life? Never. They change it every day. Each day I am a different person because of them. Would I trade it? Not for anything. I love them, and even on bad days, they are my greatest joy. They bring Kelly and I so much happiness and laughter, I could not imagine, I do not want to imagine, what my life would be like without them.
So fifty year old lady in the Hello Kitty shirt, leopard print pants, and fedora, guess what? Your daughter did not ruin your life. Her children will not ruin your life, or hers. Perhaps it is time to do away with the wardrobe not even a fifteen year old should have, and move on. Let your daughter, and if one day she has kids, your grandchildren change you. It is amazing how much love kids give when they are shown a little bit in return.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Unstructured
I like my posts to be structured. I like them to have an obvious subject. I like that we can discuss this subject, and you can give me your feedback. Tonight, I have no structure. I am structureless. Unstructured.
That's how I'm feeling in my life lately. Unstructured, and to be honest, I'm not really sure why. Have you all experienced it? That funk, where you just feel like you are at a standstill. It's like you have so many different paths and you just stand there staring at them, unmoving. And while you stand there staring, these paths get further and further away. And you know, just know, that one of them is good. One of those paths is so spectacularly wonderful and you desperately want to be on it. But here's the catch, they all look the same at the beginning. So you're standing there, motionless, and these paths are somehow moving further away from you and you just want to scream "Stop! Just give me a minute to decide which path I want to take!"
But you can't. And even if you could, the paths wouldn't listen. So you you just have to make up your mind. And you know what? Eventually you realize, they are all wonderful. Some may take you to unexpected places, some might be a little rougher than others, but they will all teach you. And you will reach the destination if you keep trying. Some paths might lead you right back to where you started. But that's okay. You just need to learn some more.
That's what this is all about, learning. We learn every day. And I am learning to see the beauty in everything. I can see the obvious beauty in my daughter's strawberry stained smile, with her curly hair standing out all around her head like a little Einstein. I can see the beauty in my son's laughter and huge grin, when I just know that he is truly enjoying the moment and feeling only love. And then there is the less obvious beauty. Things like the beauty of heartache. When it hurts so bad, you think this pain can't possibly last one single second more. But it does. And you learn you can survive. There's beauty in that. Beauty in the new found strength, and beauty in the knowledge that you can do it.
So here's to the path, whichever one you choose. Here's to the long way, and the bumpy road. Here's to even getting lost a few times and having to start over. Here's to learning. Just know, you aren't on that path alone. We're all there. We are all sharing this experience together, for better or worse.
Maybe I do have a little bit of structure tonight after all.
That's how I'm feeling in my life lately. Unstructured, and to be honest, I'm not really sure why. Have you all experienced it? That funk, where you just feel like you are at a standstill. It's like you have so many different paths and you just stand there staring at them, unmoving. And while you stand there staring, these paths get further and further away. And you know, just know, that one of them is good. One of those paths is so spectacularly wonderful and you desperately want to be on it. But here's the catch, they all look the same at the beginning. So you're standing there, motionless, and these paths are somehow moving further away from you and you just want to scream "Stop! Just give me a minute to decide which path I want to take!"
But you can't. And even if you could, the paths wouldn't listen. So you you just have to make up your mind. And you know what? Eventually you realize, they are all wonderful. Some may take you to unexpected places, some might be a little rougher than others, but they will all teach you. And you will reach the destination if you keep trying. Some paths might lead you right back to where you started. But that's okay. You just need to learn some more.
That's what this is all about, learning. We learn every day. And I am learning to see the beauty in everything. I can see the obvious beauty in my daughter's strawberry stained smile, with her curly hair standing out all around her head like a little Einstein. I can see the beauty in my son's laughter and huge grin, when I just know that he is truly enjoying the moment and feeling only love. And then there is the less obvious beauty. Things like the beauty of heartache. When it hurts so bad, you think this pain can't possibly last one single second more. But it does. And you learn you can survive. There's beauty in that. Beauty in the new found strength, and beauty in the knowledge that you can do it.
So here's to the path, whichever one you choose. Here's to the long way, and the bumpy road. Here's to even getting lost a few times and having to start over. Here's to learning. Just know, you aren't on that path alone. We're all there. We are all sharing this experience together, for better or worse.
Maybe I do have a little bit of structure tonight after all.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Fearless
I have so many questions today, but before I get to them I have to take a minute to tell you what I did this past week! I'm so excited because it was crafty and messy! Layla and I made these adorable little chicks in a nest, out of peeps and chocolate covered pretzels. But that's not all, we also made yummy cake pops (which I proceeded to eat way too many of) that looked like Easter eggs. They were dipped in white chocolate and then Layla painted them with different colors of chocolate. I was covered in chocolate, as was Layla, and just to show you how crazy it got, Cal was even covered with chocolate at one point (much to his delight)! The best part? It was fun and I didn't flip out over the mess! Score one for mom!
Okay, with that out of the way...How do you raise fearless children? Do you even want to? I have thought about these questions a lot lately as I watch my sweet Layla growing up. Right now she, like pretty much every two year old, is fearless. I mean the mom's-having-yet-another-heart-attack fearless. The you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me-get-down-from-there-this-instant fearless. To be honest, I love her even more for her reckless abandon.
My husband, Kelly, and I were talking about how we want to raise our kids. I am a majorly fearful person. I have so much anxiety over the simplest things. If there's something to worry about, rest assured I've got that covered. I wish it were different, but that's just me, that's always been me. I remember being scared to death in elementary school that my mom would forget me and I would be stuck at school forever (just so you know, I was never forgotten, that is so not my mom, but I worried nonetheless).
It seemed to me like my worry was always justified. For example, again in elementary school I was always too afraid to buy my lunch. I just had my mom pack me a lunch every day because I was unsure of how to buy school lunches. I will never forget that the one day I decided to buy my lunch was the day that the prices of lunches went up a dime. Our teacher explained that to us in the morning and told us it was okay if we didn't have enough money that day, but that we would need to bring the right amount from then on. I was so upset, I think I cried until lunch was over. Ridiculous, right?
As a mom these fears have grown. You know what I'm talking about. Will my children be good people? Will they contribute to society? What if I don't like who they marry? What if the who they marry doesn't like me? Will they get picked on in school? Will they get good grades? How will we afford college? How can I survive the two years my son will be gone on his mission? Will they know how much I love them? Will they know how much Heavenly Father loves them?
Oh, these fears are so much more real than buying a school lunch. The trick is to keep them from overtaking you. I know, I have those moments. Those moments when the fear is so real that it's right there in your throat, choking you. Those moments when I look into Layla's sweet eyes and know someday she will come to me with a broken heart, and I won't be able to fix it. The fear when I look at Cal and can see him in the future, asking girls on dates and driving.
But how do I keep my kids from having all the silly little fears that didn't seem so silly and little when I was a kid? I always thought that some fear was healthy, but then I had a really amazing conversation with Kelly, who wants our kids to be fearless. When he said this I have to admit, I lost it. I started shrieking at him about how fear can provide safety. He explained that he thinks knowledge can do the same thing, only more effectively than fear. It makes sense. He wants, and I ended up agreeing, our kids to know consequences and reality, but to not be afraid.
How do you feel about this? Do you think it is good to have a little bit of fear? Does it keep life balanced? If so, how do you keep it from getting out of control? What about being fearless? Do you think that is possible?
Oh yeah, those moments I mentioned? The ones where fear is strangling me? I have learned how to tell fear that my family rocks, and no matter what, we are all going to be just fine.
Okay, with that out of the way...How do you raise fearless children? Do you even want to? I have thought about these questions a lot lately as I watch my sweet Layla growing up. Right now she, like pretty much every two year old, is fearless. I mean the mom's-having-yet-another-heart-attack fearless. The you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me-get-down-from-there-this-instant fearless. To be honest, I love her even more for her reckless abandon.
My husband, Kelly, and I were talking about how we want to raise our kids. I am a majorly fearful person. I have so much anxiety over the simplest things. If there's something to worry about, rest assured I've got that covered. I wish it were different, but that's just me, that's always been me. I remember being scared to death in elementary school that my mom would forget me and I would be stuck at school forever (just so you know, I was never forgotten, that is so not my mom, but I worried nonetheless).
It seemed to me like my worry was always justified. For example, again in elementary school I was always too afraid to buy my lunch. I just had my mom pack me a lunch every day because I was unsure of how to buy school lunches. I will never forget that the one day I decided to buy my lunch was the day that the prices of lunches went up a dime. Our teacher explained that to us in the morning and told us it was okay if we didn't have enough money that day, but that we would need to bring the right amount from then on. I was so upset, I think I cried until lunch was over. Ridiculous, right?
As a mom these fears have grown. You know what I'm talking about. Will my children be good people? Will they contribute to society? What if I don't like who they marry? What if the who they marry doesn't like me? Will they get picked on in school? Will they get good grades? How will we afford college? How can I survive the two years my son will be gone on his mission? Will they know how much I love them? Will they know how much Heavenly Father loves them?
Oh, these fears are so much more real than buying a school lunch. The trick is to keep them from overtaking you. I know, I have those moments. Those moments when the fear is so real that it's right there in your throat, choking you. Those moments when I look into Layla's sweet eyes and know someday she will come to me with a broken heart, and I won't be able to fix it. The fear when I look at Cal and can see him in the future, asking girls on dates and driving.
But how do I keep my kids from having all the silly little fears that didn't seem so silly and little when I was a kid? I always thought that some fear was healthy, but then I had a really amazing conversation with Kelly, who wants our kids to be fearless. When he said this I have to admit, I lost it. I started shrieking at him about how fear can provide safety. He explained that he thinks knowledge can do the same thing, only more effectively than fear. It makes sense. He wants, and I ended up agreeing, our kids to know consequences and reality, but to not be afraid.
How do you feel about this? Do you think it is good to have a little bit of fear? Does it keep life balanced? If so, how do you keep it from getting out of control? What about being fearless? Do you think that is possible?
Oh yeah, those moments I mentioned? The ones where fear is strangling me? I have learned how to tell fear that my family rocks, and no matter what, we are all going to be just fine.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Mommy Messes
I have a hard time dealing with the mess that comes with kids. In fact, I think that is the hardest thing about motherhood for me right now. I loathe the clean up that comes with meal time. And saying it out loud makes me feel like a bad mom. I have seen a gazillion moms hand a messy item over to their kids no problem and then clean them up in one quick swipe with a wipe, and somehow their kids are miraculously clean afterwards. I lack that mom gene. I cringe anytime I give my daughter anything messy (which at two is everything). I shudder when food rolls out of my son's mouth and into his neck. Am I the only mom who feels the overwhelming need to hose my kids down outside every time they eat? Layla had mac and cheese for lunch today and it was all over her hands, face, belly, legs...everywhere. Oh, and those moms who can get their kids squeaky clean with one quick wipe? How do they do it? It is a twenty minute ordeal for me! A twenty minute, scrubbing (from me), screaming (from Layla and Cal), patience losing (from all of us) ordeal. The best part? Finding dried nasty food in between their fingers just a few minutes later.
Oh the joys of motherhood. But I love it. I would love it more without the mess, but I do love it. I know all of you do too, that is what makes us want to do more and be more for our kids. I really want to hear from you, hear your thoughts and ideas, so if you are reading please keep commenting! I loved all of last week’s comments. It is comforting to hear that I am not alone in feeling a little behind! What was your week like?
Mine was spent cleaning up messes, food messes, art messes, poop messes (yes, that is plural for poop messes, and don't ask, I shudder even thinking about it). How do you handle all of the mess? What's your Mom secret for cleaning up? I know you all have some good tricks up your sleeve! How do you keep from constantly following along behind your kids wiping their hands off? Let me know, I need some major help in this area!
By the way, because it is just too sweet to pass up, last night a sleepy Layla was snuggled up next to me and just before she drifted off to sleep she looked up at me with her adorable big brown eyes and said, "I love you so much Mom." I live for moments like that. Those moments make everything better, even dried food between the fingers.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Here it is...
So here it is. I've been wanting to do a public blog for quite some time, but my two kiddos have had other plans for me. I saw an opportunity this morning and seized the moment! My daughter, Layla, who is two is currently occupied with rocking on the stool on the glider and screaming "Wee! I'm flying!" and Cal, my six month old son, is hanging out happily playing in his walker. I am certain that as soon as I get into this blog all chaos will erupt!
So why a public blog? I have a private blog that I share with friends and family already (okay, let's be honest here, I hardly ever update it anymore). I want something bigger. I want to hear your opinions on being a parent, on wanting to be a parent, on not wanting to be a parent. I want ideas on how to make home life run smoother. I want input from all of you (hopefully there will eventually be some readers to constitute "all of you").
So who am I? I am a 27 year old mother of two. I have been married for eight years. I have an adorable two year old little girl who is constantly keeping me guessing. Just when I think I have her figured out, her mood changes and I'm left wondering who this little stranger is! I also have an easy going 6 month old boy, Cal. He is such a mellow guy, except when 5am rolls around! Then he is up and ready for the day!
I have an amazing husband, who I adore (even though he drives me crazy a good portion of the time)! He is going to school full time and working full time, and I hardly ever see him. He is an amazing dad, and both of my kids head over heels about him.
I am LDS, and my faith and religion are very important to me, so as we continue on this blogging journey I am sure you will hear more about that as well.
Basically, I am mom who is constantly trying to keep up. I want to be the kind of mom that can see a learning opportunity in every situation. Who takes beautiful photographs of her kids every day. Who takes the time to do fun crafts and baking projects with her kids. In truth, I am struggling to keep up, always feeling like I am one step behind. I think of taking pictures, but then spend thirty minutes looking for my camera and once I find it the moment is gone. But I'm learning. I'm growing. It's never too late to be the mom, wife, and woman I want to be.
So here is my question to you. Who are you? What do you want out of life? Who do you want to be? Leave a comment!
By the way, that chaos I was talking about...oh yeah, it's happening. Layla is sticking her toy thermometer in Cal's face while trying to listen to his heart. Meanwhile, he is shrieking and she is saying "Be quiet, I need to do something!" to him. Welcome to my life :)
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