There has been so much this past week. Too much. There has been deep, bone-piercing sorrow. The kind of sorrow that has you down on your knees sobbing, begging for relief. There has been fear. The kind that sits right in your throat, the one that makes you want to scream, but you can't because there is no room for the yell to get out past the fear that is strangling you. And there has been joy, the sweet joy that steals your breath and makes you feel so much hope for tomorrow.
That's what I am holding on to. Some of these sorrows and fears you may already know, but they are not mine to tell. They belong more to other people who have felt them more deeply than me this past week. Some you do not know and these have been mine, but they are still causing too much sorrow and fear to share them with anyone but my husband, who is so sweet to listen to me and understand this pain. And of course, I have shared them with my Heavenly Father. As I have dealt with many decisions in the past week I have prayed so much, and I am so grateful for the calm comforting spirit that I have felt.
But there is also so much joy. Right now, my joy is bittersweet. Again, I still cannot share this with anyone but my husband because of the mix of emotions it brings flooding out. No, this I am saving for the moment when it brings only joy. But for now, I will share that it brings hope.
Most of my hopes are for my children. You mothers, future mothers, and mothers-at-heart, you all understand this. We have so many hopes for them. So much that we want for them. At times it bubbles up inside you, and threatens to come bursting forth with tears and laughter. There is so much.
I hope I raise good children who turn into good people. I hope they are polite. I hope they remember to say please and thank you. I hope Layla doesn't pick her nose in nursery. I hope they share. I hope they have friends. I hope they use nice words and do not make fun of anyone. I hope they don't get made fun of. I hope they are respectful. I hope they are dependable.
You know it goes deeper than that.
I hope they live in a safer, happier world than we do now. I hope they do their part to contribute to society. I hope they help others. I hope that when they see someone in need they offer their assitance. I hope they make the world better.
I hope they are happy. I hope they have so much happiness in their lives. I hope that even in times of grief and sorrow, they know that happiness is just around the corner.
I hope they forgive. I hope they forgive me on the days, and there are many, when I am not the mom I want to be. Not the mom they deserve. I hope they learn to turn the other cheek and forgive everyone. I hope they know the wisdom in forgiveness. I hope they know to seek forgiveness when they have made mistakes.
I hope they know and love Heavenly Father. I hope they realize who they really are, and live to their full potential as sons and daughters of God. I hope that they have a testimony strong enough to endure. I hope they remain true and faithful, and go to the temple. I hope they understand how important the gospel is in being truly happy.
I hope they know I love them. I hope they know that when they were babies I would just stare at them while they slept, and think of all my hopes for them. I hope they know that their dad loves them. I hope they know that Kelly and I consider them in every decision we make. I hope they know that we will always love them, no matter what. I hope they will always remember the importance of family, both the family they have now and the families they will have in the future.
I hope they love.
